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Michael Surtees asks: how do you write a post?

Twenty thoughts on Sunday’s Oscars:

1. One misreading-the-teleprompter joke is one too many. How soon after the ceremony finished do you think Billy Crystal got a phone call?
2. It was like a very expensive school production, particularly the best actor/actress debating society section (although the appreance of Mr Sheen was a nice surpise, as I could try to convince Dr B that yes, that was actually me up on stage).
3. Fisher Stevens, won an Oscar. That was unexpected.
4. Molly Ringwald looked terrified. I was worried it was all going to go a bit Scanners.
5. They really should’ve reunited the entire cast of The Breakfast Club (did Emilio have something better to do that night?). And then they should’ve made them dance.
6. … which would’ve been a hell of a lot better than The Legion Of We’ll Just Gracelessly Robot Dance Over Any Bit Of Music You Throw At Us.
7. It was quite hard to spot any moveable eyebrows. Everyone’s faces were so very diseased. Except for George Clooney, who spent the entire show scowling.
8. Respect to the guy – I hear that The Cove is a great film, and I’m sure he’s a lovely bloke – but Fisher Stevens? An Oscar? That’s just weird.
9. No songs? I know two songs by Randy Newman in a row would’ve grated a little, but not more so than Baldwin and Martin attempting to reinvent the concept of comic timing.
10. If you’re going to make a point about how an Oscar hasn’t gone to a horror film since The Exorcist in 1973, don’t then include 1992 Best Picture winner The Silence Of The Lambs in your horror montage.
11. In fact, it’d probably be best to ask an adult what constitutes “horror” before creating such a montage. Edward Scissorhands? Really?
12. When was it decided that actors have to come on in pairs? They step on each other’s lines, they’re always woefully mis-matched and THEY ARE GROWN UP ACTORS. Surely they can manage to deliver three lines of gooey sycophancy without having a friend holding their hand?
13. Fisher Stevens. The “Indian” from Short Circuit. He won an Oscar.
14. Having nominees come on to present awards is just silly. They’re usually bricking themselves, and why not make the most of all the other talent in the room? Why not get as many different stars on that stage as possible?
15. Actually, talking of stars: the lifetime achievement awards were handed out at a completely separate ceremony – one that looked a lot more fun and more classically Hollywood. Where they got Lauren Bacall and Jack Nicholson, we got Kristen Stewart and Taylor thingy.
16. If I see Meryl Streep do that fake throw-head-back-with-big-laugh thing again, I’m going to kick her in the shin. How can somebody with 87 Best Actress Oscars come across as that insincere?
17. People referring to Push Based On A Novel By An Author by its full title got just a little bit annoying after a while, didn’t it? And why did everyone involved feign surprise at how much attention the film has got, given that the most powerful woman in the world has been aggressively promoting it for months?
18. What the hell was Sean Penn talking about?
19. Despite a fairly terrible show, the awards themselves went to pretty much the right people (except for the fact hat Moon wasn’t even nominated for anything. Pfft). The Hurt Locker deserved everything it got. Sandra Bullock, who has been very good in some very bad movies, will finally get some good roles now. And hopefully she’ll stop turning into Joan Rivers. And Mr Bridges – bless you sir, bless you.
20. Seriously. Fisher Stevens.

Experiment.